Navigating the Thin Line Between Praise and Encouragement for Children

"Words of praise should mirror for the child a realistic picture of her accomplishments, not a distorted image of her personality."

— Haim Ginott

As a parent, I've often found myself navigating the delicate balance between cheering on my child's accomplishments and fostering a resilient spirit. “It was during a seemingly ordinary homework session that I stumbled upon a revelation that changed my approach to parenting”—the profound difference between praise and encouragement.  (See this helpful chart from Positive Discipline by Dr. Jane Nelsen )

The Aha Moment

A parent recently shared with me about her daughter working on her art project, creating a masterpiece that rivalled the works of mini Picasso. She excitingly told her how beautiful her work was and how talented she was, expecting a triumphant smile, instead she was met with a surprising response.

Instead of basking in the praise, her daughter looked at her and said, "But Mom, it's not perfect!"

Cue the parental heartbreak.

That's when I shared one of my favourite Positive Discipline tools, which has been researched by Carol Dweck, a renowned psychologist.

Praise vs. Encouragement: A Lesson Learned

In the quest to boost her daughter’s confidence, this parent inadvertently stumbled into the pitfalls of praise. It turns out, there's a fine line between acknowledging achievements and inadvertently setting unrealistic standards.

The Praise Trap

Praise, though well-intentioned, can create what experts call the "praise trap." Children conditioned to seek approval through praise may avoid taking risks, fearing failure and the withdrawal of admiration. It dawned on me that the parents’ praise for her daughter’s artistic talent inadvertently set her on a quest for perfection, overshadowing the joy of creation.

Breaking Free from the Praise Trap:

1. Shift Focus to Effort: Instead of praising the end result, acknowledge the effort. "I see how much time and creativity you put into this!"

2. Embrace the Process: Encourage a love for learning and the journey of self-improvement. "What did you learn from this process?”

3. Celebrate Persistence: Highlight the value of perseverance. "I admire how you tackled a challenging task and kept going even when it got hard."

Cue the entrance of encouragement. Unlike praise, which focuses on the end result, encouragement centers around effort, improvement, and resilience. It's the gentle nudge that whispers, "You can do it, no matter the outcome."

Armed with this newfound awareness, this parent shifted her approach with her daughter. Rather than focusing on her inherent talent, she began celebrating her dedication, creativity, and resilience. The transformation was remarkable.

Encouragement Tips:

1. Acknowledge Effort: Instead of general praise, provide specific feedback about what you observed. Rather than saying, "You're so smart," try, "I can see you worked really hard on this."

2. Encourage a Growth Mindset: Highlight the journey, not just the destination. "Look how far you've come since you started!"

3. Embrace Challenges: Encourage a positive attitude towards challenges. "Mistakes are proof that you are trying."

As that parent witnessed her daughter’s newfound enthusiasm for her artistic endeavours, she realised the true magic lies not in praising the outcome but in nurturing the spirit that propels the journey. 

In this delicate dance between praise and encouragement, we can find the rhythm that nurtures not just skills, but character and resilience—attributes that will serve our children far beyond the realm of art class.